Chevrei Kaddisha is the term used for the group of people both men and women that actively work with their community when someone is dying or has died. At Adat Shalom, our Chevrei Kaddisha in conjunction with the Life Cycle committee provides support for mourners, including arrangements for shomrim, taharas, and shiva minyanmim. Chevrei Kaddisha means holy society, which is interesting because it doesn't define the action of the group; it truly states that the group is holy in its actions.
This week's Parsha is Chaye Sarah, the life of Sarah. Actually, we learn about Sarah's death and from this Parsha we first learn the great value that Judaism puts on our death and burial rituals.
How many of you had to make the burial arrangements for a loved one? How many of you were lost and confused as to what the Jewish rituals are?
Most of us don't know about the Jewish laws or traditions of death and mourning until we go through it for ourselves. I was no different. Years after losing my mother and later my father, I have learned so much. I wish I had thought to learn more 14 years ago after I was told that my mother wouldn't make it though another year. At the time, I was addressing envelopes for my upcoming wedding in my mom's hospital room and that thought never crossed my mind. I am telling you this, not because I want you to feel sadness for me, but to illustrate how all of our lives are busy and each of us can only do what we can do.
Five months after my wedding, I was outside with my friend and neighbor when Michael came outside to tell me my Mom had died. After gathering myself, I somehow made it to my father's side and my mother's body. I walked into my childhood home and saw my mother laying there wrapped in her favorite blanket. I am not sure who called Sol Levinson's Funeral home, but they came within the hour and my mother was taken from my childhood home for the last time.
All I wanted for Mom's funeral was that it be meaningful and full of Jewish tradition, I didn't really have a clue how to make that happen. But our family deferred to my aunt on the actual funeral plans after she said that Marilyn wouldn't want it done that way. So, my father listened to my aunt's thoughts and my mother was buried in her favorite robe and her hair was done for the occasion. At the time that sounded so profoundly ludicrous, but I later found out that my mother's family intended to see my mom one last time before she was put into her grave.
After sitting Shiva, I read a book about the Jewish rituals of death and mourning. At the time, I felt robbed. I wished that I had been able to do more, I needed the Jewish traditions to help me mourn and yet they were not available to me in their entirety. At some point during shloshim, during the first 30 days after my mother's death, I decided that I would handle my grief by becoming involved in helping other's handle the different Jewish rituals of death and mourning.
I recited the Kaddish and kept other mourning rituals for one year following my mother's death. A week after the first yahrzeit, I helped my local chevra kaddisha with a tahara. What's a tahara? A tahara is an absolutely powerful way to honor someone's life by ritually washing the body and clothing the body with special burial garments called tachrichim. Tachrichim are designed to emulate the garments of the High Priest in the Bible and they are a symbol of purity with their white color and seven different pieces. As the body is prepared, the chevra kaddisha recites special prayers that honor the life and death of the deceased.
I have participated in many taharas since my first one. I have prepared the bodies of friends, parents of friends, of accident victims and of people that I cared for. I have never prepared my own family members body or a man's body. This is done for emotional reasons as well as for reasons of modesty -- Meaning that whenever possible men should do taharas for men and women should do taharas for women.
One of the most special taharas I helped was my cousin's friend. This story has guided me through many moments of self reflection when I consider traditional practices within Judaism. I would like to share it here:
Six years ago, I was visiting California for an educational conference, as well as going to see some relatives that I had not seen in years. I had taken my first puddle jumper from San Francisco to Eureka/Arcadia Airport. As I landed, I was so excited to be seeing my cousin Sal who is one of the most spiritual beings I know. The first thing he said to me after he hugged me was, "Do you know anything about taharas?" Well, that threw me for a loop. I sort of expected to hear him say, how are your kids, how is Michael, even how are your dogs. I didn't expect him to ask about my knowledge of taharas. I had never even thought that anyone in my family had a clue about this stuff.
Well, my cousin Sal was instrumental in reminding me that wherever I go there is always something Jewish! So as we walked out of this small airport, Sal told me that his wife Naomi and a group of her friends were currently learning the laws of burial while on a conference call with the head of an Oregon Chevra Kaddisha. From personal experience, I can't even begin to imagine how difficult that situation was. I am definitely a visual learner, but there was no choice in this case. Sal asked me if I could help Naomi and her friends learn more information so that they would be better prepared for their friend's impending death.
Sara's death was not imminent to the best of everyone's knowledge, but it was inevitable; so her friends mobilized to learn everything they could in order to be ready when the time came. They even bought tachrichim, the burial garments for the occasion.
I was only in Eureka for a long weekend, but during that time I felt my cousin's wife's heavy heart as she emotionally prepared to bury her best friend. We talked about how to make her funeral arrangements meaningful. Little did I realize that I would be able to help. Late Saturday afternoon, I was taking a light hike by myself as it started to rain. At that point, I felt that something was up. I decided to return quickly to my cousin's house and arrived in time for Havdalah. After making Havdalah, Naomi sadly told us that Sara had died minutes before.
Naomi turned to me and asked me to walk her community through Sara's funeral arrangements. So I did, but not without trepidation. I had been the third person at most taharas, which meant that in there were usually 2 other women that knew the rituals and I assisted. For Sara's tahara, I would lead.
Naomi's friends were wonderful. They called the coroner who came to the house and pronounced Sara dead. They had previously arranged this with him, so that Sara's body would not have to be removed from her home until it was time to prepare for her burial. Then, Sara's friends stayed up all night taking shifts as shomrim, men and women guards who recited psalms in both Hebrew and English. Traditionally, it is believed that the soul stays with the body until the body is buried, so our tradition suggests that we stay with the body treating it with respect until he/she is buried. In the morning, I went to Sara's house and helped Sara's friends prepare for her funeral. It was the most powerful experience I ever had being involved in a Chevra Kaddisha.
All of Sara's friends cared, none of them had ever been part of a Chevra Kaddisha and each of them wanted to say good-bye as gently and lovingly as possible. I expected just 2 or 3 friends to be available for the tahara instead, I found nearly 15 women. Sara's friends loved her and it was obvious by watching them do all that I asked of them. They wanted to do whatever it took to do the ritual as correctly as possible in our current location.
Sara lived in a small house; behind her house was a very tall fence. Her husband and friends wanted us to perform the tahara there. I had never done a tahara any place, but a funeral home. But there in Sara's backyard, we prepared her body for her funeral and placed her in a simple pine coffin that her husband had made. And then, Sara's body was driven to her final resting place.
Reflecting back on Sara's funeral arrangements, I hope that I am blessed to be able to do that for someone again. There was nothing simple about this process, I had to improvise along the way, but I believe in my heart that the simplicity and beauty in Sara's funeral arrangements was the way it was meant to be. Even in a funeral home, my job now is always to create that same sort of feeling when I carry out a family's wish to prepare their loved one for their burial.
Flying out of Eureka as Sara was being laid to rest, I knew that I had done my part to empower a group of women to better know what to do when someone dies; And they taught me what it meant to be part of a caring community. Next time a loved one was lost, they would better know how to handle the logistics and next time I knew better how to care.
When Dad died a little over two years ago, I was much more prepared for the rituals than I had been 12 years earlier. It helped that my brother and his family had come in from Israel to spend time with my father for what would be his remaining weeks of life. As our family, including my father spoke about his impending death I was elected to make the funeral arrangements. Dad, of course, was trying to be practical as he faced death. He asked that I do a cost comparison between a full funeral and cremation. In reality, I knew that I would never be comfortable giving my father a cremation, but I knew that I had to at least give him the kavod, the honor, of seeking out the information he wanted. So, again, I went to Sol Levinson's Funeral Home; this time I was going to be able to plan my dad's funeral. I wanted to keep it simple, so I did. I got a price quote as per dad's request and then asked the funeral director if he by any chance had any information on the cost of a cremation. He gave me the information which allowed me to return to my father with a cost comparison. Thankfully Dad agreed to have a traditional burial.
Less than a week later, my father was buried just as my brother and I wanted with the support of our loved ones around us. We had support from old friends/old neighbors that came out of woodwork to be by our side during the seven weeks proceeding Dad's death through the remainder of our time in Baltimore as we sat Shiva and cleaned up our childhood home. They were there for us when we asked and even when we didn't ask.
Our friends helped tremendously by planning and organizing Shiva. I don't think I even thought how it was going to happen for more than a moment. The only thing my brother and I knew was that we didn't think we could sit Shiva comfortably at my father's house. So, my friend Brian who had opened his doors to me when I needed a place to stay while in Baltimore opened up his house to all of my family and friends for Shiva. My friend Karyn organized all the food during the week of Shiva. And friends from all over the United States and Israel send food while my Baltimore friends both old and new prepared food too! A Chevra Kaddisha can and will do what our friends did for my brother and I.
At Adat Shalom, we are blessed to have an actively caring community that can help you, please know that they are here. Our Life cycle committee led by Barbara Berger and Michelle Spivak is always available to help you. The Committee has also prepared a Guide to Jewish Funeral Practices which is available from our office for those who need a copy. And even as a young community, we now have funeral plots at Gan Zikaron in Upper Montgomery County that are available to you as you need or even before your time comes. Don't hesitate to call Cantor Rachel or any of our rabbis including: Rabbi George, Rabbi Sid, and Rabbi Fred when he returns. They along with our lifecycle committee can help you with the process of taking care of your loved ones funerals.
We learn a lot about life and Judaism from our Matriarch Sarah. Even through her death do we learn about our tradition and ritual. And I from the Matriarch Sarah to my Mother and Father and to another woman Sara in California have learned much about myself and the meaning of community.