Many of you know that we allow married/partnered individuals to join as singles. We do not, however, allow married/partnered parents of children in our Torah School to join as single parents. This policy has been in place for many years and reflects deeply held community values. This year, like most years, we have had requests for exceptions. After a staff discussion, these requests, like those before them, were denied. I think it is important that the community understand the policy and why exceptions are not allowed.
Married or partnered individuals may join as singles because we recognize that the commitment to Judaism and the interest in participation in a Jewish community may not be a shared value in every relationship. Adat Shalom welcomes adults, married or single, who are interested in participating in a vibrant Jewish community and in exploring the meaning of Judaism in their own lives, whether or not this is a shared interest in their marriage/partnership. In contrast, when families ask us to take on educating their children as Jews, we need both parents as our partners in this mission.* Without the full support of the child’s home, the Torah School teachers struggle uphill against ambivalent messages given to the student.
No matter how capable the teachers and no matter how high quality the curriculum, Torah School is not what gives children a Jewish identity. What a Torah School can do is to give its students the skills they need to participate in the Jewish community by teaching them what Jews do and why. When really successful, the school awakens the students’ curiosity and makes them into lifelong Jewish learners. However, for the Torah School’s lessons to take root, children must come to school with the knowledge that what they are learning is really “theirs”. This foundational piece on which the education must rest —the sense that they belong to the Jewish people— is something that only the family can communicate to a child.
Every teacher knows that teaching is only possible when the students come ready to learn. Children who come to school hungry, or without a proper night’s sleep, or worried about violence in the neighborhood, have difficulty concentrating on learning how to read. Children who come to Torah School knowing that their affiliation and identification as Jews are a source of conflict between their parents have difficulty internalizing the lessons about our tradition. The Torah School cannot be put in the position of advocate or arbitrator in these conflicts within families. The school is there to teach children whose families have decided that this is indeed the course they wish to take in raising their child.
In many of our families, one parent was not born Jewish. In some of these families, the non-Jewish parent actively practices another religion. From the Torah School’s point of view, what is most important is that the parents together agree to raise the child as a Jew in the context of a Jewish home. We recognize that this is a very difficult commitment for some parents to make and can be the center of considerable conflict in some marriages/partnerships. We recognize that raising the children as Jews in a Jewish home is not going to be the answer for every family. Our membership rule expresses our belief that we need the commitment and support of both parents as a necessary first step if we are going to take on the responsibility of educating their children as Jews.
Shana tova u’metukah (Have a sweet and happy new year)
Judy Gelman, President
* In cases of divorce, we do not require that estranged partners both join Adat Shalom (although several have chosen to do so.) Nevertheless, as long as both parents have ongoing contact with the child, it is extremely important that both parents support the child’s Jewish identity and are both committed to the child’s Jewish education.