Shoo-Shoo Shpiel: Evolution No More

Rabbi's Reflections, March 2004

(The rabbi was in Costa Rica chasing Quetzal and other birds at press time. This month's column was written by Nathan De' Shushan, the celebrated author of the Ahashveros Chronicles. The "Chronicles" were so popular they became the favorite bedtime reading of Ahashveros, the royal patron of Mordecai the Jew.)

Did any of you miss the hilarious pre-Purim shpiel that Kathy Cox, the Superintendent of Schools in Shoo-Shoo, put on to try to explain why she had decided to eliminate the word "evolution" from the state’s middle and high school Science Teaching Standards? (“Shoo Shoo” is Farsi for “Georgia”). Taking off her outer garments, this modern day p.v. ¹ Education Queen revealed to startled viewers that she had written “biological changes over time” on her—well, I blush, I positively blush, to tell you where she had pasted that phrase. The finery Cox removed had been designed by the famous courturier, AAAS, ² and was included in its tasteful national biology standards that Cox’s dressmaker had otherwise shamelessly copied (though the competition over the new design involved the entire Kingdom of Shoo-Shoo for over a year). Aside from the scatological term “evolution” she also excluded the following touches from the AAAS design:

• Learning about Evolution teaches students the relationship between theory and evidence in science
• The basic idea of biological evolution is that the Earth’s present-day species developed from earlier, distinctly different species.
• Evolution provides a coherent framework for organizing new and old biological knowledge into a coherent picture of life forms
• Molecular evidence buttresses the anatomical evidence for evolution
• Natural selection provides the mechanism for variations in inherited characteristics
• Life on Earth is believed to have begun as simple, one-celled organisms about four billion years ago
• Evolution builds on what already exists, and does not assure long-term progress in some set direction.
• Evolutionary changes appear to be like the growth of a bush: Some branches survive from the beginning with little or no change, many die out altogether, and others branch repeatedly, sometimes giving rise to more complex organisms.

Queen Cox explained that “evolution” is a “buzz word,” and that by taking it off she had prevented Shoo-Shoo from taking sides in an “age-old” debate, and that she intended that children would be educated both in evolution and in “cretinism.” ³ “I have,” said the Queen, kept the “essentials covered.” Of course, students will be free to learn the essentials of “intelligent design” in school, she added.

Shoo-Shoo Governor Sonny Perdue said he was staying out of this controversy because, “it’s not his place to get involved.” He has “every confidence that Cox is “perfectly capable of making those kinds of ....[fashion] decisions.” Former Emperor James (a/k/a Jimmy) Caesar Dressing Carter said he was “embarrassed” by Cox’s state of undress. “Vashti would have known better,” Caesar Carter was heard to mutter under his breath.

The Shoo-Shoo Shpiel has produced shock, dismay, and a plethora of criticism. Among the critics was one Hillel Norry, a/k/a “Mordecai the Rabbi” of Shearith Israel in Atlanta. “Absurd,” he said, pithily. Not content to leave well enough alone, der Norrier added: “This is an effort to force the public to conform to the ideas and comfort level of only one segment of the population, those that are biblical literalist.” Nevertheless, some are fearful that other substitutions are in the offing:

• “High impact behavior modification” for “paddling”
• “Character building through public humiliation” for “gym class”
• “Carbohydrate redistribution center” for “cafeteria”
• “Unsupervised personal time” for “skipping school”
• “ Bandsaw enabled digital reduction” for “Wood shop”
• “Extracurricular nonactivity” for “Detention”
• “Growth Opportunity Indicator” for “[the grade] F”
• “Theoretical interpersonal skills” for “sex education” [no homework allowed]. ⁴

Unlike the earlier purim shpiel emanating from Shushan, this story has a completely happy ending. ⁵ Superintendent Cox has agreed to put on her discarded garments so that the youngsters of Shoo-Shoo, unlike their tree dwelling ancestors, will not henceforth belch forth their ignorance for all the world to hear, and so that scandal and immorality will be reduced pro tanto.⁶

Nathan De'Shushan

1. “P.v.”=pre-Vashti, and is Farsi for the period before the first feminist, deposed Queen Vashti, refused her lord and master’s demand that she appear in public, well, en deshabillee, thus sparking a revolution in family relations “that all the king’s horses and all the king’s men could not put back together again.”

2. Your scribe is reliably informed that “AAAS” = American Association For The Advancement of Science.

3. Farsi for “creationism.” Aren’t you glad you asked?

4. These lines are paraphrased courtesy of the Atlanta-Journal-Constitution and its staff.

5. For the dubious ending, See Esther, 8:10-9:17 and the modern commentary by Brooklyn-born Dr. Baruch Goldstein. (Readers may recall the grim day, ten years ago, when Dr. Goldstein made his contribution to scholarship by entering the Cave of the Patriarchs on Purim and massacring 29 Arabs who were gathered there in prayer. He was subsequently killed by Israeli guards.)

6. Our author, a lawyer, refused our entreaties to take the latinism out of his substitute reflections. Being a fundamentalist, he insists upon the divinely revealed term. He has, however, agreed that we may advise the literate savants among our readers that “pro tanto” is legal Latin for “ratably.”